A good priest I know defines prayer as “the real you, conversing with the real God.” At one point, I was becoming discouraged in prayer, because it seemed I was always distracted – trying to ignore a headache, annoyed by something that had happened, remembering things I wanted to do that day but never got around to doing. One day during meditation, I felt particularly unfocused, trying to ship-shape myself into the person I thought God wanted me to be. And suddenly, it was as if He leaned down and whispered, “You know, I don’t actually want the perfect version of you. I’m in love with the real you, just as you are.”
It’s only in the present moment that we can find Him. We can’t look for God in the past or in the future, because His grace is only available to us in the present moment. And suddenly, I realized that all I can give, all He really wants of me, is the way I am in the here and now – grumpy and annoyed, headache and all.
He doesn’t have impossible expectations: all He wants is that I sincerely surrender myself, even if it’s messy. When I come to Him, trusting that He loves me without condition, I make room for His powerful love to transform me. But surrender must come first, without insisting on perfection. I say, “Here I am, annoyed and grumpy. I want to love you perfectly, so take this little offering. I give you all of me, just as I am.”
He will transform us, and we don’t have to wait until we’re perfect to allow ourselves to be loved. He wants us to experience His love. Once we open our hearts to the vulnerability of being loved in our weakness, we discover how He delights to show His strength right there, in the messiness of our poverty. We can rejoice in this widow’s mite offering, because when we give all that we have out of our poverty, His power is made perfect in our weakness!
